So I didn't win.

It's the first time I've actually been able to sit down and write something long about the fact that I didn't win. If I don't sound like myself here or if something seems wrong, don't ask.

There are so many reasons why I should be thankful - it's almost my birthday, I'm a contributor for what's probably the biggest K-pop directory ever, I'm writing a ton of stuff right now, I got to ask the Sugababes a question before Amelle left, I have blogger friends from both sides of the world and I'm surrounded by a ton of amazing music. I've also been told that I'm a good writer, something I can hardly ever agree with.

The one thing I've never been able to do in my entire life though is win a big award by myself. For years I was held back from an academic award by a close friend, I didn't know what I REALLY loved doing and I was way too young. I wanted to prove to everyone around me that I was capable because I feel so inferior in front of even my closest friends. They all have their niches and they're all known for being good at them - it's like I have to prove to myself that this writing thing is actually worth pursuing.

Older batches in school have had Palanca winners and they were younger than me when they won - what does that make me now?

It's easy to say I can join next year and that it's just an award or that it's not known as a very credible award but I've never won anything big for myself before and to writers in the academe running a blog is not enough to be called a good writer. I need solid proof to myself and to the people around me that I'm in this for the long run and that this is not just some fun because I want to do this forever and I need measured, academic proof that I am and can be damn good at this.

What hurts about this the most though is the fact that I sacrificed to much for this and literally put my life story into that essay - I killed myself to make that essay. I want to be a powerful writer with the ability to make or break an artists' career. If I can't even move a panel of judges now, how much more will I be able to make an impact on the gigantic music industry? I'm doomed.