So I didn't win.

It's the first time I've actually been able to sit down and write something long about the fact that I didn't win. If I don't sound like myself here or if something seems wrong, don't ask.

There are so many reasons why I should be thankful - it's almost my birthday, I'm a contributor for what's probably the biggest K-pop directory ever, I'm writing a ton of stuff right now, I got to ask the Sugababes a question before Amelle left, I have blogger friends from both sides of the world and I'm surrounded by a ton of amazing music. I've also been told that I'm a good writer, something I can hardly ever agree with.

The one thing I've never been able to do in my entire life though is win a big award by myself. For years I was held back from an academic award by a close friend, I didn't know what I REALLY loved doing and I was way too young. I wanted to prove to everyone around me that I was capable because I feel so inferior in front of even my closest friends. They all have their niches and they're all known for being good at them - it's like I have to prove to myself that this writing thing is actually worth pursuing.

Older batches in school have had Palanca winners and they were younger than me when they won - what does that make me now?

It's easy to say I can join next year and that it's just an award or that it's not known as a very credible award but I've never won anything big for myself before and to writers in the academe running a blog is not enough to be called a good writer. I need solid proof to myself and to the people around me that I'm in this for the long run and that this is not just some fun because I want to do this forever and I need measured, academic proof that I am and can be damn good at this.

What hurts about this the most though is the fact that I sacrificed to much for this and literally put my life story into that essay - I killed myself to make that essay. I want to be a powerful writer with the ability to make or break an artists' career. If I can't even move a panel of judges now, how much more will I be able to make an impact on the gigantic music industry? I'm doomed.

I can't take this.

I can’t take the pressure - it’s too much. There’s so much expected of me and I can’t do it. The amount isn’t like what it was last year - this is much worse. I have to be musically competent to the point of damn good and I have to jump through fire to please the people around me. I have to ‘do my family justice’ like how all my other cousins did it. But I’m different - I can’t take it. There’s too much to to, too little time and it’s killing me.

It’s like they expect me to do everything ‘I’m meant to’ while following my dreams. I mean if all I’m expected to do is get high grades and nothing else, that can be done. But things I can’t do are the ones that are being expected of me ALL AT ONCE. I have to do Cherubim, supply this gigantic instrument to an ethnic dance contest we HAVE to win and they still expect me to juggle school AND writing?

I see it as slave-driving.

I hate it. All I want to do is effin’ sleep and write. I don’t want to be judged, I don’t want to be called ‘weak’ because I’m can’t juggle school and Cherubim.

In the back of my mind, I have a hunch that I didn’t win the Palanca. I didn’t. I’m gonna get depressed and everything and I won’t be able to write for months. I hate rejection and this means that I’m not a good writer because if I can’t even win a Palanca, what do people ACTUALLY think of my writing?

UGH. I hate my life - I hate everything about what I’m ‘meant to do’ and I wanna get rid of it.

A few things..

I have tons of things on my mind, as a lot of kids my age would have but for some strange reason I think my thoughts are a lot more serious and convoluted than most of them.

I'm thinking about that Palanca. Joining it got me really excited but at one point I almost gave up trying to re-write my entry to make it a 'personal essay'. I got really frustrated that even listening to music(which works like 99% of the time) didn't help me - I was really agitated but then I thought, why not write about the reason I'm joining? So I did and it worked. I got my concept, I wrote the essay in one day and sent it off last April.

Winning a Palanca Award will not only put me on the map as a writer, give my school some needed money and get me into college, it'll jump start my future - it will tell me whether or not I'm a good writer. I want other people to call me a good writer because all my life I've always been second or third, I've never been the best. No one has ever told me I'm the best or I'm good and I want that.

A few hours ago my cousin told me that she always thought I'd be the celebrity out of us five(I have four cousins who're really close to me since I don't have any siblings..) and I was shocked. I never thought about me being a famous writer - I just wanted to be really good but what she said kinda encouraged me.

I haven't had that much encouragement from the elders in my family so to know that my cousins actually care about what I want to do and think I actually have a shot at doing it really means a lot to me.

A lot of things mean a lot but for me support from my family - the people I want to impress the most is the most important. I joined the Palanca to show them I'm just as good as they are(two of my cousins are doctors, one is a molecular biologist and the other one works as an executive for Citibank. Go figure..) and that just because I don't want to go into science or math it doesn't mean that I'm not good.

What being a writer truly means.

A few months ago, I sent in an e-mail to Justine Larbalestier who wrote possibly the coolest book ever - How To Ditch You Fairy(which I have never read.). I wasn't expecting a reply when a few weeks later, she replied. I e-mailed again and I just got her reply recently.

Ever since I started e-mailing her I kept on rating about how much I couldn't find her books, how clueless the people in the bookstores are and how living in the third world country sucks. After I replied, she told me to give her my address so she could send me a copy.

It was by that action that I truly realized what being a writer truly means - getting people to read your work no matter how far away they live, regardless of what their social status is and how they speak. It's being able to get what you want to say out to as many people as possible, and everyone else interested. Being a writer means writing what you want to, looking for people who will read it and who agree with it and treasuring them because they will serve as your inspiration to write more.

I'm excited about the book but what hit me the most was the fact that an author, a complete stranger, offered to send me something she worked so hard on, something she treasures, just so I can read it and possibly be inspired.

All I can see is sunshine.

Yesterday morning, I was given a Dardos award by a fellow blogger and I was truly honored. I read the description of the award and I got all tingly.

The Dardos Award is given for cultural, literary, and personal values in the form of creative and original writing. These stamps were created with the intention of promoting fraternization between bloggers, a way of showing appreciation and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web.

I listed the five blogs I wanted to give the award to and since yesterday, another two have given me the award. I can't contain myself, it's a big thing for your family or your friends to say you're a good writer but for your peers, the people who do the same thing you do to say that you're good - is indescribable.

Last night, I went to the biggest concert of the year here, the last reunion show of the Eraserheads. My dad, being the producer and somehow mentor of the band, got VIP tickets for us and I watched. Watching the show gave me goosebumps. I realized again just how prolific they were, how much impact they had on Filipino music and knowing that my dad produced the songs, did the albums and taught them a lot made me want the same for myself. I want to do something that'll lead generations, not just mine but the ones after me.

Now realize that I don't want to write for a fashion magazine anymore, I want to review albums and songs for the rest of my life. I want to do something I truly love but I also want to do something close to home. I want to say that I had a hand in defining generations, I want to inspire people to do the same.

Even the mistakes weren't a waste of time..

That Jordin Sparks song hasn't sounded any better than right now.

For the first time since I entered high school, I feel good about my school work. Of course it's just one subject but I know myself, one subject will turn into two and two will go on and on and on until I get my grades up to where they used to be. Like the Jordin Sparks song, one step at a time, that's exactly how this will all go for me.

It's like a tiny little glimmer of hope, just a tiny one but big it's enough to make me believe in myself and what I can do again.

I feel like everything's starting to unfold for me, my passions are stronger than ever, my friends are right by my side and will be there for as long as we're alive and now my grades, the grades I need to follow my passions, are going where they're supposed to go.

I've suffered for long enough, I've worked day and night for higher grades but didn't get them, until now. These are the grades that'll get me into college, the grades that'll put me into a course I want, the grades that'll make my dreams come true.

Why?

Why is one of the hardest questions to answer, but I guess I'll give it a shot. Why do I love writing? Why do I want to write?

I'm a young girl, I'm at a very awkward age where I'm beginning to discover who I am and what I want to do(I am just two years away from college if you put it into perspective..) but at this age, I know what my passion is.

Why do I know? Because I've been through a lot. I've seen my grades go from stellar to almost failing and I've been criticized, teased endlessly, used and treated like trash. I want people older than me right now and people older than I was at this age when I finally become a real writer to know that being a teenager isn't just all about boys and growing up and being insecure about yourself.

Sure, fine, I'm very insecure but the reason is past the fact that my body isn't skinny and it's not this and it's not that. Someone used me, made me believe she was a nice person and then just threw me on the ground when she was done using me. She made me isolate myself from my friends then, thinking they were on her side when they actually weren't and she made me miserable, made me blame myself for what she did.

The only thing that kept me sane during that period was writing. If it weren't for my journal, I wouldn't be sitting here and writing about how much I want to follow my dreams. Black would've turned into my favorite color and I would most probably stop smiling, stop listening to happy music and stop doing all the things I'm doing right now.

Writing helps me through the times when I feel I'm so alone, it helps me through problems I don't want other people to know about and I want to let people realize that life isn't what someone tells you it is, it's about learning what it is for yourself, experiencing things and coming to your own conclusion about what it actually is.

I want people to stop thinking of Gossip Girl when they say young girls and realize that girls like me have dreams, have passions and won't just give those away just because they say they're too young.

I sure won't.

So that's it. I've answered the question, it's time for me to get to bed, I've got to be up at five tomorrow morning!